Let the pieces fall where they may.

Some days I feel like stress is Satan itself. It's this huge burden, weighing down my personal serenity, and overwhelming my inner calm. It boggles my mind with a never ending over flow of possible things to come, to fail or to change. The future distracts my present. What may be, takes priority over what is. Anxiety is all consuming. Though, as difficult as it is, if you can step back, if you can look at your situation from the other side of the room, than you might notice that stress is actually quite a selfish indulgence. Bare with me here.

I've been trying to pay attention to level of faith that I commit to lately. I'm in the midst of a quite stressful time in my life right now. So what do I do ? Worry about ? Allow the fear of the unknown to eat away at me until the anxiety is hardly bearable? Oh ye of little faith! To allow myself to be consumed by stress is to waste energy not focusing on God. And better yet, who better to be concentrating on when the circumstances of my life are in question, than the master of my fate himself? God is in control. The world may shatter around you, as long you're heart is with God you have nothing to fear.

[Jesus said] "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Matthew 6:34

So hold this feeling like a newborn

Fireflies.

Throughout life, we come across moments that are so impacting and so spectacular that they're simply indescribable. Despite our best efforts we couldn't possibly portray onto another human being what we've experienced or felt. The best things in life are like this. You can take a walk at midnight through an old field, a warm summer breeze brushing through the tall grass, and the dim illumination of distant street lights keeping you company. The tiny glowing bodies of thousands of fireflies light up the field as far as the eye can see, until somewhere in the darkness the scattered glow shifts into that of the distant flickering stars. An ocean of sparkling tranquility lies before you. Bright enough to warm your heart, but dim enough that no camera or camcorder could ever capture the moment. It's between you and God. Sacred and serene.

I've recently done a lot off discussing on the topic of relationships. A friend of mine and I were on a little hunt to put ease to what you could call 'commitment issues'. We wanted to find a real answer to that age old question, what is love? I understand fully the concept of love from a Godly perspective. I can wrap my head around the realms of accepting people as God created them, and trying to see the world through his eyes as he intended. I believe that in a sense, that's all love really is. Embracing freely what God created. But I guess I had never truly understood the concept of 'true love' between two individuals. I feel like love is one of those indescribable experiences that can't be shared through any other media but itself. People always say, "you just know when you're in love, you just know". They tell you that you can't stop thinking about the person, and you get butterflies and they make you happy. But we felt like that sounds a lot like infatuation, and if that's all love really is, then we would like to know before we waste our lives waiting for something deeper. One day I sat down to read a devotional called 'Living the message' by Eugene H. Peterson (the translator of The Message), and what I read that day lit up my darkness.

"Love penetrates the defences that have been built up to protect against rejection and scorn and belittlement, and it sees life as created by God for love."

Read that carefully.

Wow. Now you've got to understand that this sentence, for me, is the glue that put all of the pieces together. Let's think about this. The passage talks about how people often refer to love as, 'blind'. Which personally I find discouraging. This gives the illusion that love allows us to over look the flaws of another person to the extent that we can take them fully, but as something they're not. In reality it's quite the opposite. Hatred it blind. Think about it. If love, from an overall perspective is the ability to see the world through God's eyes, and embrace it as is, so then is love between two people. I've often heard that God will, in a sense, give you the person you are supposed to marry when you're ready. You know, these things happen on His time not ours. But i've failed to realize that what really happens is that at this time, when we are ready, God is allowing us to truly see this person. It could even be a person that you already know. At some point, God will allow us to see someone on this earth, as he created them, as he would truly want them to be seen and we accept them as is. Love is clear sighted.

Taking that same thought, but looking at it from the other side of the room, let's venture further. What is darkness? Darkness in itself is does not exist , it is only the absence of light. What is coolness? Coolness in itself, does not exist either, it can only be measured as the absence of heat. So in the in same way, I ask you what is hatred? Can we assume then, that hatred, in itself does not exist? It is only the absence of love. And love is all seeing. So if hatred is blind, if hatred is a blatant disregard for taking the time to observe the works of the Lord, than I ask you to open your eyes. You might just see something spectacular. Something that can't be shared. Like a field full of fireflies, or a heart full of love.

scribble.

Creativity is a curious gift. Some of us are overflowing with the ability to look at the world in different lights, and paint it according to our own sense of emotion. Other's simply can't, because they're more straight forward, practical beings. Even those of us who have an imagination can't always use it. We get lost for words or uninspired. It's frustrating, having all of the tools and not being sure what to do with them. Sitting in from of a canvass with paint, unsure where to move the brush. Being at a desk with pen to paper without words flowing from your hand. And yet it happens, to everyone at times in life that we find ourselves unable to perform. Stuck if you would. Be it , on a math question, delivering a speech, playing an instrument or any manner of life.

As a christian, at the moment, I feel stuck. The world is at my reach, my God is great and He's given me all of the tools I need to live a life that leads to an eternity. Yet here I am: uncertain, uncaptivated and unable to perform. Have I become lazy ? I know what it feels like to have a fire inside you, and I know that I can work on keeping that aflame everyday. I just sincerely feel like i'm staring at a blank canvass with no clue where to move my brush. I don't want to paint the wrong picture.

Practice makes permanent.

My step father used to tell me that that old saying, "Practice makes perfect," is crap. He always taught me that practice made permanent, meaning if you practiced something wrong, then you would always do it wrong. Makes sense, right ?

So, recently i've began a new excursion and decided that i was going to add, "piano," to my list of exuberant credentials. The only problem is that instead of committing myself to it steadily, i'd rather rely on the hope that someday i'll just wake up with the ability to rock it. I'm being battered on a daily basis, "Have you practiced your piano today?" "You should really be practicing piano!" and all of this talk has got me thinking, what else should I be practicing?

I want to start making an effort to be a good a christian everyday. I want to seek the Lord in all I do. He should be on my mind at all times, behind every decision and beside every defeat. If I have to talk to God more, plunge myself deeper into the word, pray harder or reach out further than I'll do it. I think i'd like to start setting goals for myself, small things to accomplish on a daily or weekly basis. Things like sharing God with my friends who've never experienced his glory, forgiving those who have hurt me, helping those who would never ask or even just spending more time with the Father. I'm going to start telling myself to do these things so that eventually they will just come naturally. If practice makes permanent and everyone is striving for perfection, than i'm going to practice being like Jesus. I will shine with love.

I shake, but will not fall.

Oh God, we cry out for your mercy. Oh God, we cry out for your grace. Oh God we cry out, set us free.

[Jesus said] "Self-help is no help at all. Self sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and loose you .. ?"

Mark 8:35-36

I am weak. I am meagre. I have sinned, and I will sin. I am unworthy. I am broken. I've been blind, and I continue to peer eagerly through a haze. Lord show me the way. I'm trying to be open and honest with God, and with myself and the people in my life, and so i'll grant you the same courtesy. Sometimes I stumble on my path, sometimes I trip, but I get up, and I keep going in the same direction, and I think that's what's important. I will not let this light go out. I've been so ignorant, I keep praying for God to build on our relationship, and become the centre of attention in my life and then all of these distractions and temptations come knocking at my door, and feeling home alone I open it and invite them in. When really I should be recognizing that God's already there. He tests me over and over to see if i'm worthy of this relationship, and instead of standing my ground and focussing on God - MAKING him the centre of my attention, I fell for the bait.

Everyday isn't going to be extraordinary. There won't alway's be revelations, and worship music running through my head. Miracles won't be reassuring my every doubt. But God is God, yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is extraordinary. The spirit runs through my soul. Faith is my comfort. He is so forgiving, and so powerful, and so mysterious. I want to be free in my love but I feel confined by judgment. I need to work on that, I need to be more honest and open and consistent and bright, no matter where i am, or who i'm with.

Oh God, I cry out for your mercy. Oh God, I cry out for your grace. Oh Lord I cry out, set me free.

I just want to change the world, no big deal.

You are Holy.

"And tonight, God wants to encounter you, and wants you to feel His love, His amazing love. Without it, these are just songs, these are just words, these are just instruments, without the love of God it's like we're up here just making noise. But the Love of God changes us, we're never the same, we're never the same after we encounter the love of God." - Kim Walker

"There is a great market for religious experience in our world; there is little enthusiasm for the patient acquisition of virtue, little inclination to sign up for the long apprenticeship in the what earlier generation of Christians called holiness." - Eugene H. Peterson

I've talked before about going through the motions, and living like christians who are all half asleep. Let's build on that.

I had a friend once tell me that what she felt to be holy, or recognized as sacred were things in the church like candles, the hand motions that they do during services, or the prayers that they've memorized and recite as a group. Now, I may be wrong, but I have a different take on the matter. See, what i feel to be holy are the things that God is involved in. That connection that I feel when I'm praying, and it's just me and God, raw and honest, out there working with each other, Father and daughter, I feel like that's holy. When a pastor delivers a spirit filled message that speaks straight to the heart, triggering a change in someone's soul, or when you're worshiping God in the simplest ways in your everyday life because you know deep inside you that that's what you're meant to be doing. That's what is holy to me, because God is in on them.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes the word holy as, "exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness." I know that i'm not worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness, but God is, and He makes me worthy. The church, the building, the candles, as elaborate as they may be, they aren't worthy either, it's God, it's his presence that makes things holy. And i'm making a promise, a commitment right now, to give God more reign in my life. I don't want to sleep through this. God, here I am, make it real, spread this fire that I have in my heart, share this love that I have in my soul. Use me to bless the people and the things that you want to bless. Lead me to the places and the problems that you want to touch. You are the master, you are the Father, we're nothing without you, and we need to accept that. Be present in my life Lord, and I will be modest before your commands.

Humbly,

Marley